By Alana Gregg, MA
Relationships can be really tricky. There are so many things that impact how healthy they are including compatibility and communication. But there is another factor that plays into the success of our relationships that we don’t always talk about. This is our attachment style.
What is attachment style?
Attachment style is how we interact with people, particularly when we are in distress. This is based on attachment theory which says that interactions with our caregivers early in our life, typically our parents, have a big impact on our future relationships. Studies have shown that the more safe we felt with our caregivers when we were young, the greater ability we have to create healthy relational bonds. People who experienced distress or even inconsistency from their parents when it came to meeting their emotional needs often subconsciously play out those same interactions with future relationships.
According to Sue Johnson, here are the three main aspects of attachment:
A – Accessibility- Can I reach you?
R – Responsiveness- Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?
E – Engagement- Do I know you will value me and stay close?
Essentially we are asking, “Are you there, are you with me?”
There are four types of attachment styles:
1) Anxious – People who have an anxious attachment style typically have a deep fear of rejection or abandonment. People with this style usually have low self-esteem and constantly need approval from others. This can look like having codependent and jealous tendencies or frequently pursuing their partner when they are upset.
2) Avoidant – People who have an avoidant attachment style tend to have a fear of intimacy. They typically dismiss their partner’s attempts at closeness. This can look like lack of trust in others, a strong need for independence, and difficulty with commitment. During conflict, they may walk away or withdraw in order to protect themselves.
3) Disorganized – This kind of attachment style is usually developed in people who had abusive or neglectful parents. Their parents may have been kind one minute and then yelled at or hit them the next. This creates confusion in a child because they receive mixed messages about how safe it is to depend on other people. Someone with disorganized attachment may have difficulty regulating their emotions and trusting others. They exhibit both anxious and avoidant behaviors which makes it very difficult to be in a relationship with them.
4) Secure – Having a secure attachment style means being able to build healthy and intimate relationships. Their caregivers comforted them and made them feel safe and loved. People with this style are able to communicate their feelings and deal with conflict in a healthy way. Closeness is not scary or threatening so they are better able to respond to their partner’s emotional needs. They can also regulate their own emotions and have a greater ability to trust others.
How to know which one you are?
Ask yourself these questions for each caregiver:
- Growing up did you enjoy your caregiver’s company?
- Did you feel your caregiver delighted in you?
- Was your caregiver able to meet your emotional needs?
- If you were upset, who would you cry to?
- Did you feel protected by your caregiver?
- Did you ever feel afraid of your caregiver?
- Did you feel your caregiver conveyed mixed messages about what they wanted from you?
- Did you feel criticized by them or have to meet their emotional needs?
Asking yourself these kinds of questions can be difficult because it can bring up a lot of pain. But we cannot move forward unless we acknowledge it happened. It is never too late to heal childhood wounds. We cannot have healthy relationships if we don’t.
How to Get Help
Recognizing your own attachment style as well as the style of the people around you can be really important in choosing who to allow into your life. If you need help navigating relationships but are struggling with where to start, we can help. We can work on building healthy relational skills while also exploring your childhood and where you learned to relate to people the way you do. Working on your past and your present are both important in helping you experience the meaningful relationships you are longing for. Our trained counselors at Lime Tree Counseling offer anxiety therapy, trauma therapy, addiction therapy, and relationship counseling. We also have counselors that are trained in EMDR therapy. We offer in-person sessions at our Lower Gwynedd, PA office or online counseling in PA as well as online counseling in North Carolina. Please contact us to schedule a session or set up a free 15 minute phone consultation.