“Stop Should-ing Yourself”
In grad school, a friend and I used to remind each other to “stop should-ing yourself.” It sounded silly, but it stuck because it was true. We realized how often we told ourselves we should be exercising more, keeping up with everyone, staying involved in every activity, and doing it all perfectly.
In reality, those expectations were unrealistic—and exhausting. Maybe you can relate.
Do you ever say “yes” out of obligation when you’d rather say “no”?
Do you deny yourself rest because you feel you “ought to” help someone else?
Do you feel guilty when you take time for yourself?
If so, you’re not alone. These are often signs of blurred or missing boundaries.
What Boundaries Really Are
Many people think boundaries are harsh or selfish. In truth, they’re healthy and essential.
The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a boundary as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, calls them “expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.”
A simple way to think about it: boundaries help you know where you end and someone else begins.
Healthy boundaries allow you to live in alignment with your values, energy, and priorities instead of being ruled by guilt or obligation.
Four Common Areas Where Boundaries Get Blurred
1. Work
You might worry that pulling back from overworking will look bad or harm your reputation. But giving more than what’s sustainable leads to burnout. When identity and productivity become intertwined, it’s hard to rest. Learning to set limits helps protect both your well-being and your performance.
2. Family
Our first lessons about boundaries often come from home. If your family of origin struggled with them, setting new ones may feel uncomfortable or even “wrong.” You might fear being labeled uncaring. In reality, clear boundaries often improve family relationships because they reduce resentment and clarify expectations.
3. Friendships and Acquaintances
It’s common to fear that saying no to a friend means rejecting them. So you overextend yourself, agreeing to plans or favors when what you really need is rest. True friendship, though, can handle honesty. Setting limits builds trust because it shows that your “yes” actually means something.
4. Intimate Relationships
In dating and marriage, blurred boundaries can appear in emotional, physical, or spiritual ways. Misguided ideas about what you “should” do to be a good partner can make it hard to say no or express your needs. Learning to name and hold healthy boundaries leads to deeper intimacy and respect.
When Boundaries Feel Impossible
If you’ve been taught that saying no is selfish, or if you’ve lived for years meeting everyone else’s needs first, setting boundaries can feel unnatural at first. You may even feel anxious or guilty. But with practice—and support—it becomes easier and freeing.
Anxiety counseling can help you identify what’s driving your “shoulds,” untangle guilt from responsibility, and build the confidence to protect your time, values, and peace of mind. Our licensed therapists offer in-person and online sessions throughout Pennsylvania.
You deserve to live with balance, not burnout.
Related Reading
You may also like Do Less to Do More: Finding Freedom from Busyness.
About the Author
Katie Bailey, MA, LPC, is the founder and a Licensed Professional Counselor at Lime Tree Counseling in Ambler, Pennsylvania. With more than 20 years of experience, she helps people move from feeling overwhelmed to connected by offering therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationships. Along with her team of licensed therapists, she provides compassionate, evidence-based counseling to individuals and couples throughout Pennsylvania.
FAQs
Why do I feel guilty setting boundaries?
Many people grow up believing that saying no is selfish. Therapy helps you reframe boundaries as healthy self-care, not rejection.
How can counseling help me create boundaries?
A therapist can help you identify where boundaries are missing, practice assertive communication, and stay consistent when guilt shows up.
Can I learn to set boundaries later in life?
Absolutely. It’s never too late to develop healthier patterns in work, family, or relationships.
Do you offer online counseling in Pennsylvania?
Yes. Our therapists provide secure online counseling for clients anywhere in Pennsylvania.