By Brooke Stoltzfus, LSW
If you’re familiar with the Enneagram, you might be aware that the particular “Type 7” supposedly does not do well with experiencing negative emotions. Examples of negative emotions can include sadness, disappointment, hurt, guilt, loneliness, grief, and sorrow. Given this description, I actually might categorize the majority of people in America as having this characteristic of avoiding negative emotions. Enneagram “types” aside, we have historically leaned towards hiding our negative emotions and pushing them away to either maintain a good image or keep ourselves and others comfortable. We label negative emotions as just that, negative. But when we avoid emotions of any kind, they can come out in other ways that may look like anger, counterfeit happiness, or numbness. These disguises certainly do not lend themselves to living a fulfilling life as God has called us. So, let’s discuss and debunk some myths about “negative” emotions.
1. They’re just emotions; they’re not negative
Why do we label these emotions as negative? Maybe a more accurate descriptor for them could be “uncomfortable”. This seems to be something we can agree on; that feeling despair, sorrow, or hurt can oftentimes be uncomfortable.
Now that we have a better label for these emotions, let’s look at how they fit into our existence as human beings; God has given us a wide range of emotions. When reading the Psalms, you can observe the Psalmist crying out in agony, frustration, hurt, pain, and grief to God (see Psalm 88), and other times, the writer rejoices and expresses intense joy or gratitude (see Psalm 118). As humans, we have the capacity to feel a wide spectrum of emotions. Embracing this aspect of our created nature can lend itself to flourishing.
No matter how long you spend trying to find out what offends, hurts, or upsets you, the reality is that we live in a broken world, so disappointment and heartbreak can lurk around every corner. What can we do with this hard truth? Embrace the reality and difficulty, and acknowledge that you can do hard things. Through the Holy Spirit, God equips us with what we need for each difficult situation (see Philippians 4:19). He does not leave us in our brokenness. So, while these emotions can be uncomfortable, you can sit with them knowing they will not be all-consuming forever, which leads me to the next myth…
2. If I acknowledge my hurt, I’ll stay hurt forever
This hurt can be whatever you experience it as: your boss fired you, you just lost a loved one, your best friend said something malicious about you, your family doesn’t love each other as they should. Whatever it is, each of us has experienced hurt.
Acknowledging your hurt does not give it power over you. What would it look like if you acknowledged your hurt, or even welcomed it and allowed yourself to feel it deeply? This process of naming your hurt enables you to confront it and deal with it in a healthy way. A world exists (it’s actually this world!) where you can feel hurt deeply without it becoming a part of your identity.
So, if you’re still afraid that if you welcome your hurt, you’ll never experience happiness again, keep reading to the next myth.
3. I cannot experience joy and sorrow at the same time
We’ve already established that we are complex beings made to feel a wide range of emotions. With this ability comes the reality that we feel conflicting emotions at the same time. More often than not, meaningful situations bring a vast array of emotions, many of which contradict each other! Graduating college brings a sense of accomplishment, but sadness that a stage of life is over. A suffering loved one who passes brings grief of their absence, but relief that they are no longer suffering. Moving away from your hometown brings excitement with anticipation, but nostalgia of childhood ending.
There are plenty of moments in life when we feel multiple emotions at once! Our English language is limited in this way, and we really have only one word to describe this phenomenon: bittersweet. So when you’re grieving, it’s ok to laugh, and when you’re rejoicing, it’s ok to shed a tear over what is in the past. Remember, we are complex beings because we were created by a creative God.
4. Sharing my sadness burdens others
It is often more relieving to share your burden with others than carry it alone, and if they are truly a close friend, they are honored to share that burden with you. We often form closer relationships when we wade through the muck with someone. The original idiom of the saying “through thick and thin” is “through thicket and thin wood”, meaning thin wood is easier to travel through than the thicket. So just remember, the phrase is not “through thin and thin wood”, rather “through thicket and thin wood”.
5. Happiness or “positive” emotions are the only “good” emotions, or the only emotions I should feel
Of course, no one enjoys feeling despair or sorrow, but this doesn’t mean that we should shy away from uncomfortable emotions. It would be a disservice to our creation as complex creatures to think we only have the capacity to feel merely happiness or excitement when we can feel much deeper and many more emotions. We’re not just happy. Not only that, we’re not just happy and sad. We can be sorrowful, joyful, excited, grieved, enthusiastic, amazed, furious, thrilled, remorseful, embarrassed, hopeful, proud, and so much more. You have the capacity to experience your wide range of emotions. So, mourn well and feel your uncomfortable emotions wholeheartedly knowing God will hold you through everything and your brokenness will be made whole in heaven.
What’s the Next Step?
Our knowledgeable and caring counselors at Lime Tree Counseling are ready to help you understand your emotions and equip you with ways to manage those feelings that are difficult. We offer grief counseling, trauma counseling and Christian counseling both in-person at our Lower Gwynedd, PA office and online counseling in Pennsylvania, online counseling in North Carolina and online counseling in Colorado. Please give us a call for a free 15-minute phone consultation with a member of our staff today or schedule a 50-minute initial session. We look forward to working with you!