By Brooke Stoltzfus, LSW
Is it difficult for you to ask for help? What do you tell yourself if you don’t reach a goal you had set? Is your success what defines you? All of us have limitations as humans, yet some of us refuse to accept them. If you’re feeling burnt out, overworked, or that you’re not measuring up, it might be time to reconsider your expectations for yourself.
Some Tell Tale Signs:
Consider your attitude towards yourself; do you often feel not good enough? Maybe you dwell on your mistakes disproportionately to celebrating your wins. Do you find yourself constantly needing to be “productive”? You might be deriving your worth from accomplishing tasks or crossing off your to-do list. Does it go against every bone in your body to ask for some help to give you a break? There’s a possibility you think you don’t deserve or need a break. Maybe guilt creeps in when asking for help, or the thought “I should be able to do this on my own”. Are you over committing yourself and feeling overwhelmed with your schedule? If this sounds like you, it might be because you have unrealistic expectations of yourself. When we acknowledge our humanity, we accept our limitations which can end up making us feel more free than when we think we should be able to do everything.
The Reality of Being a Human:
Let’s face it: we all love the superhero characters, the “wonder mom” who always keeps a clean house, happy kids, and great job, the “super dad” who puts out fires at work, tends to the kids, and maintains a happy, healthy marriage. We love the people who somehow fit 30 hours of productivity into a 24 hour day. It feels good when our peers say, “Wow! How do you manage all that?!”. The bottom line: we like to feel in control, not needing help, and that we’re saving the day. Sounds sort of like a superhero. But we’re humans, not superheroes, so let’s face some facts.
1. Do you have the same expectations for other people that you have for yourself?
You have probably had the conversation with your friend: she’s telling you how overwhelmed and stressed she is with everything going on in life. “You need to take a break!” or “You need less on your plate!” or “That’s too much for one person to handle!” is your response. But take a step back and consider – is that what you say to yourself when you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed? For many people, they set wildly high expectations for themselves that are not expected of others. Why do you have to be the exception and act as a superhuman? Practice speaking and treating yourself as you would a friend.
2. People often want to help
When your close friends are moving and they ask, “Hey, would you be available on this day to help us move?”, do you roll your eyes and think how they should be able to move all their belongings on their own? Or when someone just had a baby and their community brings them meals do you think, “Wow, they really should be able to cook for themselves”. Hopefully these are not your responses! It is a joyful privilege to help the people we love. Accepting help is a form of vulnerability, and because of this, it strengthens relationships. Helping others naturally makes us feel good, and asking for help often signifies that we trust the other person.
3. You are not a superhero, and that is okay
This may be a disappointing reality to many people. Regardless, it is reality! Everyone has a different threshold for working, socializing, and engaging in hobbies. What one person finds sustainable as a routine may not work for another person. To stick with the superhero theme, Captain America probably couldn’t accomplish the same heroic acts as Aquaman. Does that make him any less of a superhero? Certainly not! In the same vein, just because you don’t have the same skillset, accomplish the same tasks, or maintain the same lifestyle as someone else, does not make you any less of a person. You are human; embrace that!
4. It takes a bigger person to say “I can’t do this” rather than “I can do it all”
For people who would consider themselves overachievers, saying “I can’t do it” is like nails on a chalkboard. Saying “yes” can feel a whole lot easier than saying “no”. Why is that? Because when we say “I can’t do it all” or “I need help”, we’re practicing humility. For myself personally, I can say that being proud comes much more naturally than being humble. I might go as far to say that I think other people might agree with me. We don’t like to admit our shortcomings; it’s uncomfortable! However, many benefits come with practicing humility, which leads to my last point.
5. It may seem counterintuitive, but good things can happen when we depart from the mindset “I have to do it all”
When we depart from that mindset, we have more grace with ourselves, we become less stressed, we might find ourselves having more compassion for those who didn’t get it all done, and we live a more sustainable pace of life. There will be weeks when you feel overwhelmed, overworked, and overtired. There will be days when deadlines are looming, and you must get them done. But in turn, there should be weeks that feel slower and more restful. There should be days that are filled with rest and fun activities. There is a balance to life, and this balance comes with recognizing that you are incapable of operating at 100% all of the time. Humanity comes with limitations no matter how hard you try to ignore them. Try and embrace your humanity and its limitations and see what comes of it!
Next Steps:
Do your thoughts or expectations of yourself seem too big to conquer on your own? Talking to a mental health therapist can help you identify maladaptive thought patterns. Our team at Lime Tree Counseling would love to walk beside you as you combat unhelpful habits. We offer online counseling in Pennsylvania, online counseling in North Carolina, and in-person sessions at our Lower Gwynedd, PA office. Our team specializes with trauma counseling, anxiety therapy, marriage counseling and addiction counseling. Contact us today to set up your first appointment or free 15 minute phone consultation.