By Marcia Murphy, MA
Throughout our lives, we are faced with situations that are hard, painful or frustrating, and cause us mental anguish. We may hold resentment about things that have happened to us or ways we have been treated. Even day to day interactions in the world can bring up feelings of anger. But what if I told you that you can choose how you manage these situations and the thoughts you have so that you have less mental suffering about it? In every situation, we can choose to react from either a place of fear or from love. This can be done with the smallest irritations, such as a dog ripping up your library book (true story…) or about larger events that are going on around the world. Here are 5 areas that we can redirect our thoughts from a place of love and let go of reacting from fear.
1. Trust vs. Control
How many times do we try to control situations or other people and just get frustrated when we realize we have very little control over much that happens in our lives? People don’t behave how we think they should. Things happen to us that we think are unfair. We fear what would happen if we let go of control. When this happens to you, do you dig in and try to control things even more strongly, only to become increasingly frustrated? See if you can shift your mindset to one of trust, and in that I mean trust that things are happening in the way they are meant to. Trust that others have the capability to manage themselves and we do not have to change them. Trust that each moment is offering just what you need. Trust that you will work things out in time. Trust in God if that is your belief. Another word for this is surrender – letting go of any expectation of a particular outcome.
Now I do need to express that if you have experienced trauma in your life, what I have written above is likely not adequate to fully work through this, and I encourage you to find professional help to process these experiences.
2. Acceptance vs Resistance
Along the same line, we tend to resist what we do not like, however as stated by Richard Rohr, “what we resist, persists”. Meaning, if we are pushing back against or avoiding some problem we may be having, that problem will grow rather than be resolved, and we then attach negative emotion to it. We fear the problem rather than trusting our capability to handle it. If we choose to accept what has happened, we are then able to work from our rational mind to find a solution. We can tell ourselves that this is our current reality, and even though I may not like it, I can accept that it is a part of my life right now. Then I can choose what to do with it without giving into distressing emotions that make the situation even worse. In the counseling world, we call this Radical Acceptance.
3. Gratitude vs Complaining
One of the most effective ways of shifting our mindset is to anchor ourselves in gratitude, seeing the good in situations and in others, rather than complaining about them. The fear may be that the negative will always outweigh the positive and we are doomed to live this way. We come to believe there is always something “not right with the world” and allow ourselves to feel hopeless and helpless. I will use my example above about a friend’s dog destroying my library book to illustrate this shift – what if instead of focusing on the problem and becoming angry, we instead say, “I am grateful for this animal, who brings me joy, despite this one behavior”. How different would we feel when we realize that our pet means more to us than the book? Then we can laugh about it instead of seething with resentment. This can be done for most daily frustrations as well as with people we can find difficult.
4. Other-Focused vs Self-Centered
It has been shown that the more we give to others, the more happiness we feel. Alternatively, the more we hoard and focus only on ourselves, the more anxious we are. When we are interacting with others, whether they be family, friends or strangers, what is our mindset? If we think this person needs to do such and such for me, and then they disappoint by not meeting this expectation, we feel increased resentment toward them. The fear is around scarcity – whether that is material, relational or emotional. However, if we look for ways to help and serve those in our lives, and then see how this impacts them in a positive way, we feel better about ourselves and even share their joy. Perhaps if we are more selfish in our giving then our receiving, we can find the contentment that most of us spend our lives seeking.
5. Joy vs Anger
Finally, I encourage you to foster an attitude of joy over anger. This goes along with gratitude in that when we look for the positive in any situation, there is less room for anger to reside. Many look at the world in black and white – things are either all good or all bad, and we have no choice but to react in anger. However, anger tends to cover up a slew of fears. The reality is the world is full of shades of gray, where the good and bad reside on a spectrum. Think of a situation that is difficult at the moment and challenge yourself to find the good in it. Again, using my library book example…I could hold onto anger and say that I will never dog sit again. Or I can look for the good – this book will be replaced with a brand new book for the library; I have a great story to share and laugh about; I am grateful for the dog’s owners in their offer to pay for the book, therefore strengthening the friendship. Fostering joy can take some effort, because anger is so much easier! However, when you do look for the good, our stress decreases and the world becomes a much more livable place. In the words of Willy Wonka “If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it…”
Can you think of other areas of your life where you can shift from fear to love? With so much anger, division and opposition in our world today, what if we chose something different? What if a shift in your reaction to difficulties you encounter has less of a negative impact in your life and on those around you? Imagine if everyone chose love over fear, not only would you feel better and have increased happiness in your life, but then your home, your community, and beyond, would be a much more pleasant place to live.
What’s next?
Do you desire a new mindset which can lessen your suffering and increase your well-being and view on life? Our compassionate and experienced counselors can help you change how you manage problems and help you to find more joy in your life. We offer online counseling in Pennsylvania, online counseling in North Carolina, and hold in-person sessions at our Lower Gwynedd, PA office. We work with people experiencing mental health issues including anxiety, grief, abuse, trauma and addictions. Please reach out to us to schedule a free 15 minute phone consultation or set up an appointment with our caring team.