By Lauren Thomas, MA, LPC
Have you noticed that your default communication pattern is negativity?! Perhaps you find yourself complaining regularly about the people and circumstances in your life. We all have hard moments and days where things are frustrating, but I am talking about viewing the world through a critical lens where it is hard to find anything positive to say instead.
You’ve probably seen the caricatures of “Negative Nelly” or “Debbie Downer” in comedies or versions of them in your real-life friend groups. These are people who see the proverbial glass as half empty and tend to find something wrong, even in the happiest of settings. This can isolate them from others who feel drained by their pessimism.
If you’re tired of complaining (or getting feedback from family and friends that your complaining is a problem) and you want to change, this blog is for you!
There is a caveat: I am not advocating toxic positivity, the belief that we must dismiss or ignore difficult emotions (i.e., sadness, anger) and only espouse positive feelings or see the “bright side” of life. Life can be challenging, and we can and should embrace BOTH the hard and the good parts. Furthermore, we need to be able to communicate our negative experiences with people in our lives who we trust. But healthy vulnerability deepens relationships, while a complaining attitude pushes people away.
My hope is that if you are stuck in a negative outlook, you’ll learn some tips that will help shift your perspective.
1. Practice gratitude
Start or end your day observing at least 3 things for which you are thankful. Write them down! Keep a notebook handy on your nightstand or kitchen counter and start a list. This simple practice will train your brain to notice the good moments in your day. Practicing gratitude over time boosts our mood, reduces anxiety, and gives us a greater appreciation for what we have vs. what we don’t have.
2. Accept the “gray”
As I mentioned earlier, life is both difficult and beautiful. Some of us tend to see the world in black and white, all-or-nothing terms. When something bad happens in our day, we rate our entire day as bad.
It is healthier to acknowledge both the positive and negative elements of our day and accept that both are true. When we’re able to do this, we can reframe the way we are thinking about our experiences. Let me offer a couple of examples of reframing experiences we are tempted to complain about:
Complaint: “My workday was terrible. I had to deal with a disgruntled customer, which meant I spent less time on the paperwork I had wanted to tackle.”
Reframed thought: “Dealing with the disgruntled customer was challenging, but I got through it with the support of my supervisor. I had lunch with a colleague I had not seen in a while. I made a task list and got started on the essential paperwork. The rest can wait until tomorrow.”
Do you notice the difference? In the first scenario, the person judges their whole workday as “terrible” because of one bad experience. In the second scenario, the person acknowledges the hard moment, but notices other aspects of their workday that were positive.
We also apply this all-or-nothing logic to our relationships. Let’s think about a minor marital issue. We complain because he “never” takes out the trash or she “always” leaves the bed unmade. What if, instead, we start to take note of the things our spouse does do for us, and affirm them when we see it? Like practicing gratitude, this shifts our perspective towards our partner and replaces the complaining with encouragement, strengthening the relationship.
3. Focus on others
Serving others is another great way to shift our perspective. It’s hard to complain about our own circumstances when we’re entering someone else’s experience. Volunteer with Habitat for Humanity or a food pantry, tutor children, collect items for a local shelter. Encourage a friend by writing a note or offering support when they need help. Meeting others’ needs has the added benefit of improving our own sense of well-being.
4. Establish boundaries
We may be complaining a lot because we are over-burdened and exhausted. Rushing from one activity to the next can test the patience of the best of us. When was the last time you looked at your schedule and cut out the non-essentials? By creating more margin for rest and the people/things you value most, you will have more energy and feel happier.
5. Cultivate joy
Once you’ve set boundaries around your time and energy, it’s time to establish practices that bring you joy! Whether it’s exercise, hobbies, or alone time in nature – you will complain less when you are making time for things that are meaningful to you. And let’s not forget meaningful relationships as well – we were not meant to live life alone. It’s easy to complain when we’re lonely. Healthy relationships also bring us joy!
6. Seek counseling
Underlying issues such as anxiety, depression, or trauma impact our view of the world and ourselves. Perhaps you are complaining because there are unresolved things in your life, weighing you down mentally and affecting your self-esteem. Seeing a therapist can help you learn valuable coping skills, process emotions, and heal from destructive experiences and patterns that are holding you back.
Don’t Wait to Get Help
Our team at Lime Tree Counseling would love to help you stop complaining and learn a new way of engaging the world. We have specialists who provide anxiety counseling, EMDR, and addiction counseling to name a few. We offer in-person and online counseling in Pennsylvania, online counseling in North Carolina and online counseling in Colorado. Contact us today to schedule a free phone consultation or your first 50-minute session!