By Marcia Murphy, MA
We hate to feel pain. We try to avoid suffering at all costs. But we are typically unsuccessful at doing so because of things that happen to us that are out of our control. In fact, we can create more pain for ourselves the more we try to resist it. This is where Radical Acceptance comes in. Radical Acceptance comes from the idea that our happiness increases the more we bring our expectations into balance with our reality. If our expectations of how things “should” be are too out of balance with what actually is, our mental suffering can increase. When we let go of what we think is supposed to happen, and accept the reality, we can find calmness even when things are not 100% okay in our lives. This then gives us the mental space to work on what we want to change in a more rational and realistic manner.
But how do we do this? Here are 5 aspects of creating this mindset for yourself.
1. Live in the “Radical Middle”
I am borrowing this phrase from one of my favorite podcasts (Frugal Friends) which helps us be aware of when we are too focused on extremes. Living in this space means getting rid of “black and white” thinking and being more comfortable with the gray areas. We can develop the realization that joy can actually co-exist with pain. Anyone who has experienced grief can feel themselves in this space – where they feel sadness at their loss yet can still engage in good times that bring happiness. When we can remind ourselves that almost nothing is all good or all bad (and believe it!), we are then starting to live with acceptance.
2. Are your expectations too lofty?
To look at this, ask yourself “What do I expect my life to look like?” and “What do I expect of others?” Then compare this to what the reality is. Are you thinking too unrealistically about your situation or how others act? Are you stuck in the belief that you should be in a different place in your life? This is a great opportunity to understand what is in your control to change (hint: it’s only yourself!) From here, we can then figure out what realistic steps we can take toward the change we do desire for any part of our lives that are not to our liking. Lowering our expectations is not to let go of those lofty goals we may have, but to re-evaluate how we are getting there and accept the time and effort that may be necessary.
3. Gain freedom from resistance
In building Radical Acceptance, we need to be aware of where we are resisting reality, and work toward ultimately accepting our situations fully with our mind, heart and body. How often do we “throw a tantrum” because things are not how we want them to be? (too high of an expectation) How often does this actually improve the situation or make us feel better? (probably not very often) Letting go of resistance means managing our reactions to what happens in our lives, especially if it is not something we have control over. Accepting rather than resisting can surprisingly bring peace, even when we do not like what is happening.
4. Be Okay with not being Okay
To expand on the prior point – we can come to a place where, even if we do not like what is, we can still be okay with it while working on changing what we can. This is adopting the mentality that life is still worth living even with the pain. The reality of every person’s life is that we will encounter pain and suffering. Accepting that this is unavoidable can help us shift our focus to prevent even further suffering. As we remember that there is good amidst the difficult and painful, we then make space for the happiness that we are longing for.
5. Fully Accept Reality
This is the ultimate goal – to accept reality for what it is, even as we still have goals and expectations for what we would like our lives to be. It is important to remember that rejecting reality does not change it, and to reiterate, this resistance only increases suffering. Part of accepting reality is understanding the cause of the pain – is it something inside us or something that has happened to us? This helps us to then take control of what we are able and let go of expectations that are not serving us well. Contrary to what we may believe, this acceptance of reality can actually bring about the sense of peace that we are desperately seeking – this is what is so “radical” about this process!
If you are seeking a place of calm and peace, and it seems elusive, ask yourself what you need to accept in your life. Tell yourself that you are okay even when things are not meeting your expectations. Remember that the only thing you can control is yourself and your reaction to the situation. Radical Acceptance is a choice that you can make to lessen unnecessary suffering. Even if things seem to be black or white (all bad or all good) – teach yourself to look at and enjoy the many shades of gray that exist in between, and live with joy amidst the pain.
Need Help?
Our caring team at Lime Tree Counseling are waiting to help you with whatever is causing you suffering through understanding what you can change, and how to accept what cannot. We provide individual counseling in Pennsylvania and online counseling in Pennsylvania and North Carolina. We specialize in anxiety therapy, trauma counseling and addictions counseling. Please contact us for a free 15-minute phone consultation with a member of our staff today or schedule a 50-minute initial session. We look forward to working with you!