By Marcia Murphy, MA
Abuse in an intimate relationship is usually apparent when it is physical abuse – hitting, kicking, punching, shoving – however it can be more difficult to see other signs or behaviors that indicate an emotionally destructive relationship. In a destructive relationship, the abuser uses many tactics to take control of his or her partner’s life, exerting power over the other person to the point where the partner is afraid or unable to stand up against this. When we build awareness of these signs, we can take action before the abuse gets to the stage where we do not have the capacity – mental or otherwise – to remove ourselves from it easily. The following are signs that can indicate a pattern of abuse, intimidation and control within the relationship.
1. Coercion and Threats
Threats of harm or actual violence against the other person fall under this category. There can also be threats by the abuser to leave or even harm themselves (ex. suicide). If there happens to be criminal charges made against the abuser, they may try to convince the partner to drop these charges. This tactic instills a fear of either harm or being deserted by the partner.
2. Intimidation
This can include angry looks, destroying the partner’s possessions, punching walls, displaying weapons, as well as abusing pets. Intimidation is used to instill fear in the partner that will keep them “in line”. Sometimes this is done out of anger, however this is not always the case.
3. Emotional Abuse
It can be very difficult to see or acknowledge emotional abuse, and that is the point of this method of control. Emotional abuse includes name calling, guilt trips, belittling or demeaning, and humiliating the partner which affects self-esteem and confidence. Gaslighting also falls under this category, where the partner is made to believe they are crazy and cannot trust in their own thoughts. Emotional abuse can be even more destructive and long-lasting than physical abuse.
4. Isolation
An abuser may attempt to isolate their partner from friends and family so that they have no one else to rely on. Limitations and control over what the partner does, reads, becomes involved in, and even employment can be placed so the abused person no longer has any say in how they manage their lives. Jealousy is a primary motivator here.
5. Minimizing, Denying, Blaming
In order to exert power over their partner, an abuser will make light of their behaviors and the partner’s concerns when brought up, or even outright denying that the abuse is taking place. The abuser will shift blame for their behaviors, often onto their partner, and refuse to take responsibility for his/her actions that are causing harm. This method places doubt within the abused regarding their own behaviors and in their perception of the relationship.
6. Using Children as a Pawn
Putting children in the middle of the couple and pitting them against the other is one of the more upsetting ways an abuser exerts power. This can also include using threats to take the children away or instilling feelings of guilt and inadequacy in regard to how the partner is raising the children. In this, it is not only the abused person suffering, but is directly affecting the children as well.
7. Economic Abuse
The abuser has complete control over money and finances and may allot an allowance to the partner, monitoring what they are spending it on. The abused party has no say and sometimes even no knowledge of the financial state of the marriage/partnership. Sometimes, the one being controlled is not even allowed to work outside the home, causing complete dependence for basic needs on the abuser.
8. Male Privilege
This is primarily seen when the man is the one holding power over the woman. Privilege is shown through being the ultimate “decision maker”, with the woman not being allowed input. Rigid definitions of male and female roles are held and the woman may be treated no better than a servant to the abuser. This tactic strips the woman of her dignity and instills doubt in her self-worth as a person.
The exertion of power and control can be initiated by both men and women in an intimate relationship or marriage, however statistically, it is the man who is abusing the woman. It is important we keep ourselves aware of patterns that may develop in any of these areas within our relationship. It is important to understand that isolated instances of any of these do not necessarily constitute abuse. It is when these behaviors and tactics become the norm that there is cause for concern. If our partner is unwilling to discuss concerns that we have in regard to any of these areas, then we may need to evaluate whether there is an issue with power and control within the relationship.
Getting help
If you believe that you are currently in an abusive relationship, there are domestic violence organizations that can help in most counties. These agencies have trained counselors and resources to assist in all aspects of domestic violence situations. You may also contact Lime Tree Counseling to set up an appointment with one of our counselors. We offer trauma counseling that can help you be safe and live safe. If you need help, reach out today!