As we grow up, separating from our parents is a normal part of becoming independent. But depending on your family dynamic, this process can be complicated. Many young adults struggle as they move out, start careers, or form new families. And even those with kids of their own sometimes find themselves slipping back into old patterns the moment they’re around their parents.
So how can you tell when your relationship with your parents is unhealthy?
Signs of Enmeshment with Parents
Ask yourself these questions:
- Do you feel guilty for wanting to grow up or make different choices than your family?
- Have you worried you’ll lose the relationship if you don’t do what’s expected?
- Have you been told you don’t really love your parents if you disagree or say no?
- Do your parents get angry when you respectfully share your own perspective?
- Have you felt ashamed for prioritizing your own needs?
If you answered yes to several of these, you may be living in an enmeshed family system. Enmeshment happens when there’s no clear separation between you and your parents—when your identity and choices are seen as “wrong” simply because they differ. In these situations, adult children are often made to feel responsible for a parent’s well-being. Over time, this leads to resentment, anxiety, and a loss of self.
What Healthy Boundaries with Parents Look Like
1. Making Choices Without Guilt
You can pursue your own goals without being manipulated by guilt trips or accusations of selfishness.
2. Prioritizing Your Own Needs
Your needs matter. Being an adult means you’re not responsible for carrying everyone else’s emotional load.
3. Talking About Your Feelings
You should be able to share your feelings with your parents without fear of backlash. Healthy parents can listen, reflect, and accept when they’ve hurt you.
4. Having New Experiences
You should be free to move away, travel, or try new things without being made to feel disloyal.
5. Deciding How Often to Call or Visit
It’s okay to say no sometimes, even around holidays. Disappointment is natural, but it’s different from being treated as a disappointment.
6. Not Being Involved in Their Conflicts
If parents pull you into their marital or personal disputes, that’s called triangulation. You don’t need to play the role of rescuer or mediator. They need their own supports—not you.
When to Seek Support
If you grew up in an enmeshed or unhealthy family, setting boundaries as an adult can feel impossible. But you are not wrong or selfish for wanting to live your own life.
With therapy for adult children of narcissistic parents, you can learn to identify unhealthy dynamics, set boundaries, and build a stronger sense of self. Healing is possible—and you deserve relationships where your needs and voice are respected.
About the Author
Katie Bailey, MA, LPC, is the founder and a Licensed Professional Counselor at Lime Tree Counseling in Ambler, Pennsylvania. With more than 20 years of experience, she helps people move from feeling overwhelmed to connected by offering therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationships. Along with her team of licensed therapists, she provides compassionate, evidence-based counseling to individuals and couples throughout Pennsylvania.
FAQs
What is enmeshment?
Enmeshment happens when personal boundaries between family members don’t exist. Your identity, choices, or emotions are not respected as separate, leading to guilt and confusion.
How do I know if I need counseling?
If you often feel guilty, anxious, or resentful in your relationship with your parents, or if you struggle to say no, counseling can help.
Can therapy help me change my relationship with my parents?
Yes. While you can’t control your parents’ behavior, therapy can help you set healthier boundaries, process old wounds, and feel confident in your own identity.