If you look hard enough, there’s pain all around us. Someone grieving the loss of a loved one. Someone recovering from a broken relationship. Someone trying to hold it together while everything feels uncertain.
Whenever we encounter pain in someone else, we face a choice: to turn away, offer surface comfort, or step closer with empathy. The difference between sympathy and empathy changes everything about how that person feels seen, heard, and loved.
Sympathy acknowledges someone’s pain from a distance—without really entering into it. Empathy, on the other hand, means putting yourself in their shoes and imagining what life feels like for them. When you respond with empathy, you create connection—and connection brings healing.
So how can you truly empathize with someone who’s hurting?
What Not to Say or Do
“At least…”
As Brené Brown says, empathy and “at least” can’t coexist. Saying, “At least you still have your mom” to someone who lost their dad or “At least you have other kids” after a miscarriage minimizes their pain. We say it to comfort—but it actually distances us.
“I know how you feel.”
Even if you’ve faced something similar, you can’t know exactly how another person feels. Each person’s story is unique. Keep the focus on them, not on your own experience.
Making jokes.
Sometimes humor is our way of easing discomfort, but when someone is grieving, jokes can make them feel dismissed or misunderstood. Sit with their sadness instead of trying to make it disappear.
Giving advice.
When we see someone hurting, our instinct is to fix it. But healing begins with understanding, not solutions. If your first thought starts with “Have you tried…,” pause and listen instead.
What to Say and Do
“I’m here for you.”
When someone is hurting, one of their biggest fears is that they’re alone. A simple, genuine statement like “I’m here for you” can mean the world.
“That really sucks. I’m so sorry.”
Acknowledging pain validates it. Life can be incredibly hard sometimes, and letting someone know their feelings are normal brings comfort and connection.
Sit in silence.
Words often fall short. Just being there—whether that means holding their hand, sitting beside them, or crying with them—creates a safe space for healing.
Ask gentle questions.
Empathy listens more than it speaks. Try reflecting what they say: “It sounds like you felt overlooked. Is that right?” or “That must have been really painful—what’s been hardest about this for you?”
See through their eyes.
We each see the world through our own lens. Try on theirs. Ask yourself, If I were them, what would I be feeling right now? Walking in someone else’s shoes is the heart of empathy.
For more practical ways to build empathy in your relationships, read our post on 5 Ways to Boost Your Empathy.
Healing Through Connection
Empathy doesn’t erase pain—but it makes it bearable. When we show up for one another with presence instead of platitudes, we remind people that they are not alone. That’s what hurting people need most.
If you’re struggling to connect or feeling weighed down by your own pain, our grief counseling in Pennsylvania can help you rediscover hope and connection. You don’t have to go through this alone.
About the Author
Katie Bailey, MA, LPC, is the founder and a Licensed Professional Counselor at Lime Tree Counseling in Ambler, Pennsylvania. With more than 20 years of experience, she helps people move from feeling overwhelmed to connected by offering therapy for anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationships. Along with her team of licensed therapists, she provides compassionate, evidence-based counseling to individuals and couples throughout Pennsylvania.
FAQs About Empathy and Grief
Why is empathy so important when someone is hurting?
Empathy helps people feel seen and understood. It offers comfort through connection instead of trying to fix or minimize pain.
What if I don’t know what to say?
That’s okay. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just being present communicates care more than perfect words ever could.
How can I become a more empathetic person?
Start by listening deeply and being curious about someone else’s experience. Over time, empathy grows through intentional practice and patience.
Can counseling help me if I struggle to connect with others?
Yes. Therapy can help you understand what blocks empathy—like past hurt, fear, or stress—and teach you ways to build deeper, healthier relationships.