By Rachel Lee, MA
Grief is heavy – like a wet blanket or a dark cloud that follows you wherever you go. It’s the unwelcome guest at the dinner table. While grief is a universal experience it can be so difficult to talk about especially with people we care about and who love us most. While it is a universal experience no two people experience grief in the same way and oftentimes it can be hard to find words to describe our grief. Grief lives in our body causing us to have difficulty in thinking, planning ahead, or completing day to day tasks. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross helps us define grief in different stages, and while your grief might not fit into these stages neatly, it can be helpful to put words to your experience.
1. Denial
There is the denial stage where one might refuse to accept the fact that the loss has occurred. Oftentimes this is early on in the experience of loss and it can be helpful as it allows the person experiencing the loss to function and maintain some sense of normalcy. It can for a time function as a protective factor. It is important not to remain in a sense of denial for long as this can prolong the experience of grief.
2. Anger
After denial there can be a feeling of anger – “why is this happening to me?” One might wrestle with God and reflect on why this specific loss has happened to them. Perhaps they are to blame or they might place the blame on someone else.
3. Bargaining
Kubler-Ross describes the stage of bargaining where the individual might try to delay or change their loss. One might be desperate enough to seek unlikely cures for terminal illness.
4. Depression
In the stage of depression one might question their own purpose and might struggle with whether life is even worth living, and cannot imagine a way forward with their loss. This time of crying, grieving and reflection can ultimately lead to acceptance.
5. Acceptance
With the stage of acceptance a person understands their loss logically and have allowed themselves to experience their sadness and sorrow.
While you may have experienced some or all of these grief responses, oftentimes grief can arise in unpredictable ways. A certain scent, holidays, birthdays, major life milestones can all bring back memories of your loss. Flashbacks can bring you back to memories and it can be hard to attend to the task at hand. Grief can also be isolating. Oftentimes a person experiencing a major loss whether through death or a relational change such as divorce find the normalcy of life difficult to tolerate. They might isolate themselves to prevent further pain and reminders of their own loss. A lack of an understanding community can be problematic and if you are experiencing grief it’s important to talk to someone who listens well to you without judgment. Allow yourself to engage in nature, take a walk or simply sit outside. Allow someone to help you with daily tasks that may become too difficult to accomplish during the early stages of grief. Give yourself the freedom to share your story with a few good friends. You are not alone in your sorrow even when it can feel that way.
How to Get Help
Are you experiencing grief from a loss in your life? Our knowledgeable and caring team at Lime Tree Counseling would love to sit with you to help equip you with tools to walk through the stages of grief and learn to incorporate this loss in a healthy way. We provide services for individuals and couples both with in-person and online counseling in Pennsylvania, and online counseling in North Carolina. We specialize in grief counseling, anxiety therapy and Christian counseling. Please contact us for a free 15-minute phone consultation with a member of our staff today or schedule a 50-minute initial session. We look forward to hearing from you!